Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

• Present it to the president of the United States.
• Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
• Take it apart.

• Innocence.
• Idealism.
• Cherry bombs.

• When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
• When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
• When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

• If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
• If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
• If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that he is legally within the base path, Both of you are wearing protective cups, and You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

• ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
• ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
• ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

• A cat.
• A dog.
• A dog that eats cats.

• That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
• That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
• That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

• You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
• You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
• Tell her what?

• "Do they need to eat or anything?"
• "They're in school already?"
• "There are three of them?"

• When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
• When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
• It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

• He was being tested.
• He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
• He refused to ask directions.

• Democracy.
• Religion.
• Remote control.