Q: What should you give an elf who wants to be taller?
A: Elf raising flour.

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"

Q: What carries round a sack and bites people?
A: Santa Jaws

A Plane was flying through the jungle when suddenly the engine stalled. The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land. Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.
All the local tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in disbelief asked, "What's this flier doing in my soup?"

Q: What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
A: Seasoned troopers.

Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."

Q: What's an Eskimo's favorite song?
A: Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!

Q: Where does Tarzan buy his clothes?
A: At a Jungle Sale!

First Man: I bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian?
Second Man: How?
First Man: Told you I could.

Q: Why is perfume so obedient?
A: Because it's scent everywhere it goes.

Q: What kind of cats love the water?
A: Octo-Pussies.

Q: Who is the dogs favourite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx.

Q: What's a porcupine's favorite food?
A: Prickled onions.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: What's black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A: A zebra with a drumkit.

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell garage.

Q: What were the only creatures not to go into the Ark in pairs?
A: The Maggots, they went in an apple.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chickens day off.

Q: What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot cross bunnies.

Q: What do you give a sick pig?
A: Oinkment!

Q: How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
A: Give him a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides.

An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,
"I think I'm planting them too deep."

Q: How do you confuse an idiot?
A: Give him two spades and tell him to take his pick.

Did you here about the idiot who won the 'Tour De France'?
He did a lap of Honour!

Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer?
He fell in the sink!